WWE Fastlane 2015: The full rundown and why you should care

After Sunday, the main event for WrestleMania will be set. Probably.

The first-ever WWE Fastlane event will take place Sunday night in Memphis. Taking the place of the previous annual February event, Elimination Chamber, Fastlane will still serve as the (more or less) final shuffling of the deck before the granddaddy of them all, WrestleMania, next month. The best news? This non-PPV is completely free if you sign up for the WWE Network. But you should probably subscribe anyway, since WrestleMania alone justifies the price of six months of the Network. I digress.

At the end of the evening, we should have a better idea of where we'll be in the final six weeks to Mania. But don't be too upset if little gets resolved. After all, you're getting to see this for free.

Fastlane begins at 8 p.m. ET Sunday, with a kickoff show exclusively on the WWE Network beginning at at 7 p.m. The kickoff show features bonus coverage exclusive to the Network, including "Miz TV" with special guest Paul Heyman. Don't be surprised if some kick-off match or another gets added to that pre-show at the last minute.

The Verge presents: The revolutionary aspirations of the WWE Network

Dolph Ziggler, Erick Rowan and Ryback vs. Seth Rollins, Kane and Big Show

What am I looking at here? Ziggler, Rowan and Ryback have had a general alliance ever since November, when Ziggler nearly single-handedly saved all their jobs and stole the show at Survivor Series. DON'T ASK WHAT HAS HAPPENED SINCE THEN. EVERYTHING HAS BEEN GREAT. LA, LA, LA, LA! CAN'T HEAR YOU.

Seth Rollins and Kane are part of the nefarious Authority and will be accompanied by J&J Security of Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble. Big Show is part of the Authority when he decides he's a heel, which can vary from moment to moment. Big Show is chaotic neutral in every sense of the word and I have no idea why people agree to being on a tag team with him, ever.

Why you should care: As long as Ziggler and Rollins have something to do, we don't have to worry about them getting fired in real life, like, the day after WrestleMania. I don't like when anyone gets fired. Also, any opportunity for Rollins and Ziggler to lock up is a good thing. This should be good, even if it means not much has changed since November.

Goldust vs. Stardust

What am I looking at here? THE DUST POWERS EXPLODE! Real-life brothers Goldust and Stardust (Cody Rhodes) have been teasing a split for going on two years now. It's finally here. Stardust appears to be of a mind that Goldust is holding him back. The Stardust persona itself may not be long for this world. As always, it should be noted that these two men are literally the children of Dusty Rhodes.

Why you should care: Goldust is perhaps one of the most underrated professional wrestlers in history and his comeback run has been one of the most delightful things about wrestling over the past few years. This storyline will likely be his swan song in the business. This match may end in a controversial or non-decisive finish, leading to one last blow-off and perhaps retirement match for Goldust at WrestleMania. Either way, enjoy Dustin Runnels while he's on your TV for as long as you can.

Triple H will confront Sting (not a match)

What am I looking at here? Triple H is the COO of the WWE and the co-leader of The Authority, along with his wife, Stephanie McMahon. He's grumbly because The Vigilante Sting (TM) has made a fool of him a couple of times over the past few months. The Vigilante Sting (TM) is possibly the biggest wrestler to have never wrestled a match in the WWE. He'll show up and point a bat at one or several people. Everyone will go bonkers.

Why you should care: This is probably going to set up a match between these two at WrestleMania, which means Sting will finally have a WWE match. It won't be against The Undertaker, like people have been clamoring for, but that's probably for the best.

WWE Divas Championship Match: Nikki Bella (c) vs. Paige

What am I looking at here? Nikki Bella and her sister, Brie, don't think Paige has what it takes to be part of the Total Divas reality show. (Note: Paige is already a part of the Total Divas reality show.) They humiliated her by painting her with fake tanner and stealing her clothes. Those are the two meanest things you can do to someone. DON'T GOOGLE "MEAN THINGS TO DO TO SOMEONE."

Why you should care: Nikki and Paige are probably the two best female wrestlers on the main roster right now. The women on NXT tore the house down last Thursday, so the Divas may have a chip on their shoulders and are looking to prove something. Well, I can dream, anyway. Shut up.

WWE Tag Team Championship Match: The Usos (c) vs. Tyson Kidd & Cesaro

What am I looking at here? Goldust & Stardust just broke up, The Miz & Damien Sandow are in the process of breaking up, the Ascension just got here, the New Age Outlaws aren't actually wrestlers anymore and Los Matadores are lost at sea, so these are the only two tag teams on the roster, basically. Well, the Prime Time Players just got back together, but [laughs heartily for 45 seconds].

Why you should care: You know that thing in Tex Avery cartoons where a character's eyes turn into bulging hearts? My eyes do that every time Kidd & Cesaro pop up on the screen. I should probably see a doctor about that. The point is, they're great. They may not win the tag titles, but this match will be endlessly entertaining. Fact.

WWE Intercontinental Championship Match: Bad News Barrett (c) vs. Dean Ambrose

What am I looking at here? The most depressing example of two incredible, popular characters being hamstrung by the people in charge in a really, really long time. Dean Ambrose has been turned into a cross between Kevin and Fuller from Home Alone, while Barrett has a wasting disease where contact with the Intercontinental Championship turns him into Barry Horowitz.

Why you should care: Despite all of this, these guys will probably have one of the best matches of the night. Which makes things even sadder, because as wrestling fans, we're not allowed to be happy about anything, ever, because there's always another shoe somewhere close, about to drop. In other words:

United States Championship Match: Rusev (c) vs. John Cena

What am I looking at here? Rusev loves his country (Russia, even though he's from Bulgaria) and is a true fighting champion, defeating all challengers. He's never been pinned or submitted. John Cena is a big bully who wins everything and wants to kill Rusev for real by punching him with a bald eagle filled with H-bombs.

Why you should care: When John Cena isn't near the world title, the hand-wringing from upset wrestlenerds decreases by factors of billions. This should probably be a great, fun brawl with two big slabs of hoss whuppin' up on each other. If anyone knows the guys in Mastodon, tell them to title their next album Big Slabs of Hoss.

No. 1 Contender Match: Roman Reigns vs. Daniel Bryan

What am I looking at here? Roman Reigns takes really good care of his hair. It's important. He won the Royal Rumble and a guaranteed title shot at WrestleMania, but was dumb enough to agree to put that title shot on the line against Daniel Bryan, the man who won it all last year at WrestleMania XXX before injuries put him on the shelf for most of a year.

Why you should care: This is the ultimate showdown of our cynical, entitled age. The front-office golden boy groomed for stardom vs. the guy the "real" fans think "deserves" another shot at the main event and the spotlight. The winner of this match wins a shot at the WWE World Heavyweight Championship against Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania. Or, you know, it'll end in a non-finish, or a double-pin, or the WrestleMania main event will end up being a three-way match some way or another. Either way, this should be Reigns' best singles match ever and depending on how they play this, it could go a long way toward making him "legit" in the eyes on many.

Either way, I'm excited to see this match. You should be, too. The best part is, it wouldn't cost you anything at all to check it out. AND WRESTLEMANIA IS NEXT MONTH. YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING WRESTLING NOW.